Starting again....AGAIN!!!

This post is dedicated to Kate for telling it like it is and helping get me on track again, without really knowing it. Thank you for your friendship, your inspirational strength and determination.

In her most recent post, Kate talks about the many times we fall down (metaphorically not physically) and that it's not important how many times we fall down, because in a journey like this - losing weight - the falls are almost inevitable. It's how we got here in the first place. So the fall isn't important, it's getting back up that counts. 

This time though, my fall was more like a series of slips that took me over the edge of a gigantic chasm, one that I haven't been able to climb out of for 8 or 9 months. While stuck in the bottom of that chasm without a ladder or a rope that I felt could support me or the confidence to even try, my weight crept up, and up and up.

At some point in January (I can't remember the date) I weighed myself (which I've been continuing to do and torturing myself with every gain) I reached the high 120's and I decided I couldn't get over 130kgs. I just wouldn't allow it. This had gone on long enough. I told Marko I wanted to do the next round of 12WBT and I signed up, that night. 

I also found these two quotes which gave me courage to believe that I could be successful again.

I love both of these quotes equally because they help me see that failure is necessary for success. I will fall. It might be regularly or occasionally. It might be a stumble or I might fall into a chasm. But the important this is that I get back up and try again.....to succeed. 

So this is me, getting back up and climbing out of the chasm. In climbing out, I had to come to terms with the results of the last year - of letting food smother my emotions of grief. After being my lovely friend Meagan's bridesmaid in January 2014, I continued to struggle to deal with the miscarriage I had the previous August. Honestly though, I dug my head in the sand, put food in my mouth and said I was ok. I wasn't. Then in August 2014 we lost Poppy, my Mum's dad, then only 5 weeks later we suddenly lost Nanna, my Mum's mum. In the space of 5 weeks both my Mum's parents died. It was devastating. I think the bit that still makes that ache in my heart worse, is that when we were up in Biloela for Poppy's funeral, Nanna said to me that she was just waiting to hear the news that we were pregnant. I have shed buckets of tears over the fact that Nanna and Poppy will never meet our future children, but I hold hope that our little angel baby is with Nanna and Poppy. 

After all of this emotion, stuffing myself with food down in my chasm to not feel it too much, I decided it was time to get my shit together. I put these photos together to show my journey so far...from 128.4kgs - down to 102kgs (I did get to 99 at one stage though) and back up to 128.0kgs. Because although I don't like it, I can't change it. I also know I CAN do it!

2nd Feb 2012 - 128.4kgs     /     Jan 2014 - 102kgs    /     2nd Feb 2015 - 128.0kgs

And this photo shows that although I feel like I'm right back where I began, I'm not. 128.4kgs was my weight when I got involved in 12wbt. But I'd worked on my own for a year before that to lose 11kgs, down from my all time biggest - 139.9kgs. This photo makes me feel great, because although I have put on a LOT...I'm not back there. And I won't get back there because I'm on my way down again.

Dec 2010 139.9kgs - 2 Feb 2015 128kgs 

 After signing up for the round starting on the 2nd of February, I got to work on the preseason tasks. As soon as I was able, I got in and organised my week 1 meals and printed off my ingredients and the recipes I didn't already have. 

I shopped and did a big cookup of cupcake quiches, banana bread, panang chicken and bagged up grated carrot and lettuce for my salmon wraps for lunches at work.

 

Looking back at week 1, I am thrilled with the preparation I put in and how it helped me with my week. Having my lunches conveniently bagged meant I only had to grab the tin of tuna, a piece of banana bread and spoon my yoghurt into a container before heading out the door. Monday was the only day I managed to exercise in the morning, including doing my fitness test, due to a huge assignment for uni that was due Wednesday night and the very late nights work I did leading up to its submission. 

Historically if I miss a morning workout, that's the end of that for the day because I'm so wrecked when I get home from work. But this week I was on a mission. Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday evenings I did my workouts. I did miss Thursday because I didn't get up early after submitting my assignment and was in Newcastle picking up our new car and wasn't home until 9:30pm. So instead I did Thursdays workout Friday arvo, and held Friday's over for Sunday. 

 

                                    Monday - workout and fitness test                                Tuesday - workout

 Friday - workout

This morning I got out to do my SSS a bit later than I intended but at least I did it. The workout was hard, really hard, for someone who hasn't regularly exercised in about 8 months. There were moments when I thought my muscles weren't going to continue to hold me up, but they did and at the end of the workout I'd only burned 600 calories (the aim for a Saturday session is 1000). So the newly motivated and determined me said to myself - lets keep going - so I did 4km of intervals (200m jogging, 200m walking) until I hit 1000 calories burned. 

I am really proud of myself and my efforts this week. I've got a new sticker chart up and each sticker earns me $1 and I'm copying Kate's idea to reward any 7 out of 7 weeks with an additional sticker worth $2 - all proceeds to go to clothes! On day 6 I'm in line for 6 stickers for calories, exercise (Thursday going down as a scheduled rest day which also earns a sticker) and water consumption with only 2 for sleep (minimum 7 hours) due to my many late nights over the assignment. 

As I mentioned earlier I weighed for my start weight on Sunday at 128.0kgs, then for the Wednesday weigh in (Wake,Wee,Weigh) I came in at 127.1kgs - a 0.9kg loss in two days which I'm very happy with. It's a great start!

Very happy with my loss!

Exhausted and wishing for the end......

SSS on my own summary!

So far working out on my own is really hard but I'm leaning on my online support groups and believing in myself that I can do it. Bring on Week 2. 


Kate - I hope you enjoyed this post. Now that one from 8 months won't pop up in Blogger every time you sign in!

Week 1 - Operation Thermomix

MOST EXCITING DAY EVER!!!! Well almost :)

On Monday my Thermomix arrived. I have admired and coverted these machines for some time but knew that the cost was well out of what we could afford....thank goodness for the special deal in May allowing me to get mine on interest free and pay it off weekly!!!

So my baby arrived Monday and my Thermy consultant and I made stock and chatted. 

On Tuesday I was back at work and gave it a test run time wise. I walked in the door put my bags down, moved the Thermomix onto the stove top and took this picture - yep 6:28pm. 

By 6:40, 12 minutes later the soup was on and cooking...

By 7:01 (33 minutes later) the soup was cooked and pureed ready to eat!!! I knew my love affair was going to be a lifetime affair!

Mostly this week while learning to use my Thermy (which doesn't yet have a name) I stuck to soups from the cookbook that came with it. But after defrosting some mince for visitors that had to postpone I thought I'd give spaghetti & meatballs a go - the Michelle Bridges 12WBT recipe. 

Now as part of my membership I am bound by Michelle Bridges copyright on all of the recipes I get through the challenge - so I can't post the recipe. What I will do, is post the steps I followed using my Thermomix!

1. Place vegetables and garlic into the bowl - 3seconds Speed 5.
2. Scrape down and add mince and herbs. Mix for 20seconds on Speed 2 until completely combined.
3. Roll into balls and place in varoma tray and cook for 20 mins on varoma speed 3. 

I initially completed step 3 with water in the bowl below, but if I did it again I would cook the tomato sauce under the meatballs. 

For the Tomato sauce:
4. Add tomatoes, garlic, stock paste (I used 2 tablespoons) and water. Cook for 20 mins on Varoma on speed 3. 

5. I served the meatballs and spaghetti sauce on slim pasta. Make sure you rinse the slim pasta in cold water then pour boiling water over the noodles to heat them. Serve immediately. 

 It was very tasty and I was very happy to have completed a 12WBT recipe. More to come! Watch this space.

My new love affair....

I'm completely in love. 

With an amazing machine. A Thermomix! 

I have been to two demonstrations now and while discussing it with my super amazing, wonderful husband he said 'if you want one and we can afford it, get it'. So it's ordered...it's on its way! 

In honour of our new family member I'll be dedicating a whole page to loving my Thermomix and utilising the 12WBT recipes to cook with it. Those of you who have been members before will know there are strict copyrights in place with these recipes so my intention is to assume you have the recipe and all I will post is the change in method instructions. This way I won't be doing the wrong thing by Mish who I LOVE!

My thermomix will arrive on the 19th and I'll try to start posting altered recipe methods that week but it may take some time to get the hang of it. 

Honestly I'm super duper excited about this new learning curve and the changes it will bring to cooking after a long day at work!!

Starting again....again...again...arghhhh!!!!

Yes here I am again, scraping myself off the ground and getting back on track...yet again. 

I found these quotes to share with you. Although yes, last round didn't end well and technically I failed - I choose not to see it this way. I choose to learn from each time I stumble, slip up or fall (flat on my face) so that next time hopefully I can avoid whatever it was that tripped me up. This is a life time choice I am making. It doesn't matter how many times I fall over, it only matters that I keep getting back up!

So here's to another new beginning! Another step towards success!

Starting again...again..Part 2

Blogging is amazing really. It's what I always thought writing a journal would be like but with the added bonus that when people read it you don't have to watch their faces...not that I ever let anyone read my journals. I dread to think what I filled the pages of my teenage journal with...in any case, writing is therapeutic. It is like talking an issue out in the form of a monologue, with no-one to stop you or interrupt your train of thought.

So with this in mind, I am tackling the issue of having to start again...again with some concrete plans (again). We all stumble and fall at times, it is persistence that will get me there in the end. Stubbornness and determination that will finally see me reaching my goal - probably after I fall on my face again a few times...but I plan not to fall.

I'm following Kate Beck's 5 steps to help you lose weight 

I realised when I re-read this post that I've hitting some and missing others in this list, which is perhaps the reason I have been going round in circles like a duck paddling with only one leg. Below the surface I'm paddling as fast as I possibly can but because my other leg is 'tied up' I'm going round in circles. Time to free that leg. Honestly, I think there is a few things holding me back and there may not be 'easy' solutions but I figure I can 'fake it till I make it' as the saying goes. 

I'm good with steps 2, 3, 4 and usually 5 but 5 kinda hinges on 1. And 1 is where I fall short. I want it, believe me I do, but I think I've been holding back from letting myself want it fiercely and with passion, in case I mess it up, in case I fail. Why would I believe that I can truly do this when 35 years of history tells me I can't and that I'll fail? And how can I fail if I don't really believe I can do it? It makes it a self fullfilling prophesy I guess and links back to previous posts about how what we 'know to be true' about ourselves determines our actions. I knew way back when I had my light bulb moment that change would be hard and the work that would need to go into it mentally would be hard. And that before the trauma of August last year. So I need to work on Step 1 - want it more than anything else.

The bracelet Debbie gave me last weekend has lived on my wrist except for when I'm in the shower or sleeping. It's a wonderful reminder to stay on track. And I'm starting to get that trickle of self belief again - IF YOU CAN DREAM IT....you can achieve it! My new mantra. 
 
Step 1
WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE:
I'll come back to this one...

Step 2
START (again):
So I bit the bullet and started again, yesterday. I made no announcement because I half expected to not do it. I did well with food - half the battle - but didn't exercise. Today I had a huge work day and went to bed knowing I needed every second to get ready for my day and getting up at 3:50am to run really wasn't going to happen, so exercise starts again tomorrow. Kate, I'll put a photo on instagram to prove I did!! Help keep me accountable.

Step 3
GET ORGANISED:
I spent a lot of time getting organised over the weekend. I made a big batch of Penang Chicken, a batch of Beef Strogenoff and froze them for meals when I'm home late or lunches. I'm planning another cook up this weekend too - now that I have a big freezer it's time to fill it!

Step 4
BE PREPARED:
This step is about preparing to fail - so that when you do you can get right back up again. I think that my resilience has been so seriously tested over the last couple of weeks that when I get a roll on again I'll bounce back quicker next time - I hope.. but my fail safes are blogging, the fb forums, Kate and Debbie. I'm also going to plan to go back and revisit my letter to myself whenever I'm feeling some doubt. I can do it. I just have to keep telling myself till I believe it. 

Step 5
WORK.HARD:
 It's time. It's really time. Noone else can put in the hard yards for me. Kate has set me a challenge. On the 30th of August we have a family reunion in Brisbane for my Dad's family. Kate wants me to drive with her to the Sunny Coast for the Marathon on the Sunday. She is convinced I could do a half (21odd kms) I think she's insane. I'm terrified of the thought, and maybe that's the key. Maybe I need to set some insanely crazy goal and just go for it. I'm not really sure. I do know that right now I take 45mins to run 5kms so there is n way in hell I could do 21kms in 3 hours (the time limit). I wouldn't care about coming in last, I think just finishing in the 3 hours would be an insane achievement for me but I don't think it's possible right now. I'm going to figure out a training schedule I can stick to and work it out closer to the time and after speaking with Marko about which one to sign up for. At the very least I will probably sign up for the 5km and 10km runs if they aren't on at the same time.

That just leaves....

Step 1
WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE:
If I could set any goal and achieve it no questions asked I would have two - get to goal weight and have a baby. Goal number two is going to need specialist assistance and would be greatly helped by goal number one. Deep down I do want it more than anything but wanting it so bad scares the hell out of me. As previously stated I have never set dates and kg targets for those dates. The only time I've done that was this round and I haven't done it. Perhaps it was a deliberate self sabotage, I haven't figured that one out yet, but our family reunion on the 30th of August gives me 23 weeks of hard work. Ideally I'd love to aim for a 1kg average loss per week but that might be expecting too much of myself. I can't seem to hold it together for 12 weeks how on earth could I sustain it for 23?? The alternative is to aim for a weight range. If I lose between 500g and 1kg on average this will put me between 80.9kgs and 92.5kgs.... When I wrote that number down my throat almost closed up with fear. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but that 80 seems so unachievable. Where is my self belief? I don't know....
 
I really think part of the problem is that I don't have a goal weight. Well I do, but I don't know whether it is realistic (the fourth part of a S.M.A.R.T. goal). Years ago on another program I was told for my height I should be 65-79kgs...I think 65 is RIDICULOUS but I've had 79 in my brain ever since. And that 79 was SO far off and SO unachievable I NEVER believed I could do it. I've 'known that to be true' for years. And so I recreate the cycle. I really need to either stop that merry-go-round or jump off, but in order to do that I need a goal weight. I've decided to get a DEXA scan done with my friend Debbie. I have emailed MeasureUp - Sydney based company - about getting the van up to Newcastle. I'm thinking for the Saturday before the colour run. I'm sure there are heaps of Newcastle 12wbters who'd love a scan done....hopefully.

Part of making myself really believe this is possible I will think up another catch phrase I can say. At the moment I'm repeating the bracelet phrase which worked today, but I need a few back up plans I think. I also think I need to get an outfit to aim for to wear to the Family Reunion - OMG that scares me. I don't know what size I'll even be. 

Breathe and Believe.....

I'll work on that....Might have to call in reinforcements for that one. I'm putting money in my goals jar again and this is the money I'll buy the outfit with I'm going to extend my chart to cover the next 23 weeks not in rounds but to get my head in the frame of mind that I'm focusing on 23 not 12 weeks this time. 

So, THE GOAL:

Is to lose between 11.5 and 23kgs in 23 weeks. Anything in that range will be considered success! This will put me at least in the low 90s for the family reunion, if not lower. 

I WILL ACHIEVE THIS BY:

1. Doing everything I can to put stickers on my chart - by focusing on meeting my targets each day for calories, water, exercise, max 1 coffee, max 1 pepsi, weekly mind set videos and bed before 10pm....Each sticker is worth $1. 7 stickers per day over 7 days over 23 weeks would put $1127 in my jar, IF I get all 7 every day. If I only manage 5 on average (totally NOT what I'm aiming for) I should still get $800. That will get me one kick ass outfit...well hopefully more than that. 

2. Thinking of a kick ass code name for my goal....nothing popping for me yet but I'll get to it...

3. Putting reminders of my goal on my pinboard at work and in my wallet where I look regularly, on my screen saver - might have to be in code though. I'll also wear the bangle every day. 

4. WORK. HARD. (thanks Kate)

5. BELIEVE IN MYSELF - faking it till I make it!!

Starting again....again

I don't know where to start really...

I guess I should start by saying I've had a challenging few weeks. Emotionally I've needed to be the supportive one for several friends, while being shot down by another and coping with a few of my own issues too. The result? I lost my mojo. If I could do the last two weeks again the only thing I'd change is my attitude to it all. 

My friends needed me, so I was there. 

Yes, I was accused of being a bad friend by someone I have spent time and effort helping. To say it hurt is a massive understatement. I have always been proud to think that I'm the sort of friend people like to have. I try not to be too high maintenance and I always give what I can, trying to take little. I know her state of mind was a major factor, but it hurt me a lot. 

Then, I put on weight. Not just a little - 1.8kgs. I hoped it was just fluid due to my monthly cycle but this last weigh in day I only lost .1 of the 1.8 so I must have been living in the world of denial and thinking I'd done well with nutrition while clearly not doing so. 

All of this has left me feeling out of control and like I've let myself down completely. For the first time ever, I set a goal of the weight I wanted to be by the end of the round - and it is highly unlikely that I will get to it this round. I feel like it is a self full-filling prophecy. I never set target weight goals so that as long as I finish a round lighter than I started I'm happy....the one time I try something new and I blow it completely. 

So, my 90 in 90 challenge will need to be changes to 90s in 90...now I just want to get into the 90s. 

I'm disappointed with having to move the goal posts but happy that this might still be achievable. 

This week I finally put together the video of all the photos from 5kms Same Day Same Time - you can view it here. It's pretty cool and took hours to put together. All the people who participated enjoyed watching it so I'm glad I spent the time on it.

Despite feeling like I've blown this round (hadn't got my head to where it is right now) I nearly didn't get up this morning to exercise, but I'd promised Debbie we'd do a run/walk before she left town for the Day on the Green. We did about 6kms and chatted between runs, which was just what I needed. I'd spoken with her through the week so she knew where my head was at. Over our traditional post workout coffee, Debbie handed me a box and inside was this amazing bangle.

It says "IF YOU CAN DREAM IT.....you ca achieve it". She told me that she had purchased it to give me when I reached the milestone of being under 100kgs, but that she thought it would do more good for me to have it now. She jokingly said I should hurry up so she doesn't have to take it back - she wouldn't she was just being silly. I do know that she has my back. I do know that she wants to see my game face on again and I do know she wants me to succeed. And it worked. I have only taken it off to shower. I have logged in to 'my fitness pal' today and tracked my calories. I also had a cook up!!
 

I now have 6 penang chicken, 6 beef strogenoff and 2 spaghetti and meatballs meals in the freezer! Yay me. I'm starting to feel a little more in control. The rest I can manage!
 

And just to make myself feel a little special I did my toenails tonight! Hot pink - as if there was ever any other option!!

5kms Same Day Same Time

The story of the 5kms Same Day Same Time challenge began a couple of weeks ago with a discussion on the 30+ facebook site about a Mini Milestone Challenge walk in Brisbane along the kakoda track at Mt Coot-tha. One of the girls wanted to give the 5km track a go but wanted some company. I would really have loved to have been able to jump on a plane and go up and do it with her but that seriously wasn't going to happen. 

I told her how Kate and I did the crazy adventure long distance together (read about that adventure here) and that we kept in contact via facebook and messages while doing the walk. She thought this was a great idea. Then I had a crazy thought, how cool would it be to have 12WBT members all over Australia doing a 5km walk/run on the same day and at the same time....and so the challenge was born. I floated the idea and got heaps of positive feedback so I created an event in the 12WBT 30+ crew page, on the Wide Bay page where I'm a member and on the Upper Hunter page I administer. 

And so it began!

Originally I planned to get a map of Australia and put pins in all the towns where participants were located but it quickly got too big, with a participant in New Zealand and one in United Kingdom, so I found a cool app that helped me show how cool we are!

It grew slowly, gathering momentum.

And grew some more,

until game day (today) arrived with 73 members agreeing to participate. I need to do the final map as there are a few spots missing in NSW on the above map. 

Until this morning I wasn't sure if I'd be doing my challenge alone or with company. Yesterday we were discussing it after our SSS. Mandy was planning on coming in but wasn't sure she'd make it due to having to clean her house in preparation for a thermomix party (which I was supposed to attend) and Debbie thought she might make it if her Hot Air Balloon flight was cancelled due to the rain. I had always planned on just doing the 5km track around town that I have been doing when I run on Monday and Wednesday, but then Debbie assumed I was going up the hill to the lookout. I told her I wasn't sure if it was a 5km walk or not and she said 'why not walk from town' laying down the challenge. 

What Debbie didn't know is that ever since my first walk up to the lookout, I have wanted to do it from town. I have been talked out of it twice, by well meaning friends who thought it wouldn't be safe walking along the side of the narrow road. As I went to bed I made a promise to myself. If Mandy came in, I would do the 5km around town with her, but if she didn't come in I'd do the walk up to the lookout from town. 

Now I had NO idea how far it was by foot from my house to the start of the walk up to the lookout, but as I said I have wanted to do this for over a year. 

I was very excited when I got up to see that the rain had stopped. I got ready, checked my phone - no message from Mandy, put my all terrain asics on (better soles for walking up the hill), checked my phone - no message from Mandy....decided to go for it. I packed extra water, an apple and a small towel in a back pack, super glued my poor polar's band back together and set off. 

 Ready to get going...

My polar band super glued back together AGAIN!

 

So off I went. I followed my usual path to start with before turning onto the road that would take me out of town towards the path to the lookout.

 

Enjoying the footpath while I could!

Only 15mins into my walk, my new bluetooth wireless earphones ran out of battery and died. NOT GOOD TIMING....so the rest of the walk was without my traditional fitness playlist!

Not happy!

Leaving the footpath and hitting the side of the road. 

On the left, lookout number 1, on the right the TV

tower and lookout number 2!!

I was pretty wary heading out along this road. It has a 100km speed limit and not a heap of room on the side of the road, which is how I was talked out of this challenge previously, BUT I walked on the right side so I could see any oncoming cars, I went when it was fully light and I only saw one car on the way out there!!! 

the view up the road

already feeling pretty good about this challenge!

I was please to see as I arrived at the base of the walk up to the lookout that I wasn't the only one out here on a Sunday overcast morning after heaps of rain doing this walk. I felt more confident knowing others were on the track too. At this point I realised how crazily I'd underestimated the distance, I'd already walked nearly 5kms...and I hadn't started going up...but I had decided to do it and so I would. I could hear Kate (CocoGirlButter) in my head telling me 'You've got this'. And so I kept going. I thought at this point I might only go as far as the first lookout.

 

I was a little more worried when I saw this...had there been a land slide and it wasn't safe? Well whoever had parked the car there was doing it so I figured they'd tell me when I saw them if it wasn't safe...and so I kept going!

I always feel a little overwelmed looking at this slope, it's so steep and quickly my calves start to complain, but today I didn't care so much. I knew that around the state and interstate there were around 70 others doing their walks and it spurred me on!

step by step, higher and higher

The view from Lookout 1!

Selfie at lookout 1.

I had toyed with the idea of just turning back after reaching lookout 1, but as I took my selfie with the view in the background, an old guy steamed past heading towards the top. I thought 'if he can I can too' and I kept going! Crazy? Stubborn? Yep but happy!

 

Looking up to the second lookout.

The second stage up the the TV aerial and lookout 2 is steeper. It's quite deceiving as you go down before you go up. It is steep and there are no spots where it levels out...just crazy. On my way up this bit I passed a lady on a horse - I told her it looked like a much easier way to get up to the lookout. I didn't think to get a picture until she had already gone!

This is my 'Are we there yet?' face....

Then I was there, at the top....8kms later...and I still had to go back! Gosh it felt awesome though. I had a quick stop, filled up my water bottle and got out my apple to eat on the way back down!!

 

Very happy to be at the top!

 

My delicious Pink Lady apple!!

And then it was time to go down. I met a lovely couple coming up as I went down (they caught up with me later) and to my dismay it started to spit and gradually got heavier. It wasn't torential but it was heavy enough that I wrapped my phone up (after taking the pic below) and put it safely in my back pack so it wouldn't get too wet. So that's why there aren't more photos coming down again. 

 

The whole walk ended up taking me 3 hours, I walked 16.5kms and burned 1445cals! Insanity! But it's something I've wanted to do since I moved here and I'm thrilled to have accomplished it. When I got home I had 20 minutes to make breakfast, have a shower and get ready to go to Mandy's for her thermomix demonstration - needless to say I was late for the demo. 
 

Proud as punch of my 1445calorie burn!

map my run snapshot!

The collages I posted in the 30+ site and on Instagram!

All the other participants had a wonderful time too and we are going to make this event a regular each round!! Very exciting!