Friday, February 6, 2015

Starting again....AGAIN!!!

This post is dedicated to Kate for telling it like it is and helping get me on track again, without really knowing it. Thank you for your friendship, your inspirational strength and determination.

In her most recent post, Kate talks about the many times we fall down (metaphorically not physically) and that it's not important how many times we fall down, because in a journey like this - losing weight - the falls are almost inevitable. It's how we got here in the first place. So the fall isn't important, it's getting back up that counts. 

This time though, my fall was more like a series of slips that took me over the edge of a gigantic chasm, one that I haven't been able to climb out of for 8 or 9 months. While stuck in the bottom of that chasm without a ladder or a rope that I felt could support me or the confidence to even try, my weight crept up, and up and up.

At some point in January (I can't remember the date) I weighed myself (which I've been continuing to do and torturing myself with every gain) I reached the high 120's and I decided I couldn't get over 130kgs. I just wouldn't allow it. This had gone on long enough. I told Marko I wanted to do the next round of 12WBT and I signed up, that night. 

I also found these two quotes which gave me courage to believe that I could be successful again.

I love both of these quotes equally because they help me see that failure is necessary for success. I will fall. It might be regularly or occasionally. It might be a stumble or I might fall into a chasm. But the important this is that I get back up and try succeed. 

So this is me, getting back up and climbing out of the chasm. In climbing out, I had to come to terms with the results of the last year - of letting food smother my emotions of grief. After being my lovely friend Meagan's bridesmaid in January 2014, I continued to struggle to deal with the miscarriage I had the previous August. Honestly though, I dug my head in the sand, put food in my mouth and said I was ok. I wasn't. Then in August 2014 we lost Poppy, my Mum's dad, then only 5 weeks later we suddenly lost Nanna, my Mum's mum. In the space of 5 weeks both my Mum's parents died. It was devastating. I think the bit that still makes that ache in my heart worse, is that when we were up in Biloela for Poppy's funeral, Nanna said to me that she was just waiting to hear the news that we were pregnant. I have shed buckets of tears over the fact that Nanna and Poppy will never meet our future children, but I hold hope that our little angel baby is with Nanna and Poppy. 

After all of this emotion, stuffing myself with food down in my chasm to not feel it too much, I decided it was time to get my shit together. I put these photos together to show my journey so far...from 128.4kgs - down to 102kgs (I did get to 99 at one stage though) and back up to 128.0kgs. Because although I don't like it, I can't change it. I also know I CAN do it!

2nd Feb 2012 - 128.4kgs     /     Jan 2014 - 102kgs    /     2nd Feb 2015 - 128.0kgs

And this photo shows that although I feel like I'm right back where I began, I'm not. 128.4kgs was my weight when I got involved in 12wbt. But I'd worked on my own for a year before that to lose 11kgs, down from my all time biggest - 139.9kgs. This photo makes me feel great, because although I have put on a LOT...I'm not back there. And I won't get back there because I'm on my way down again.

Dec 2010 139.9kgs - 2 Feb 2015 128kgs 

 After signing up for the round starting on the 2nd of February, I got to work on the preseason tasks. As soon as I was able, I got in and organised my week 1 meals and printed off my ingredients and the recipes I didn't already have. 

I shopped and did a big cookup of cupcake quiches, banana bread, panang chicken and bagged up grated carrot and lettuce for my salmon wraps for lunches at work.

Looking back at week 1, I am thrilled with the preparation I put in and how it helped me with my week. Having my lunches conveniently bagged meant I only had to grab the tin of tuna, a piece of banana bread and spoon my yoghurt into a container before heading out the door. Monday was the only day I managed to exercise in the morning, including doing my fitness test, due to a huge assignment for uni that was due Wednesday night and the very late nights work I did leading up to its submission. 

Historically if I miss a morning workout, that's the end of that for the day because I'm so wrecked when I get home from work. But this week I was on a mission. Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday evenings I did my workouts. I did miss Thursday because I didn't get up early after submitting my assignment and was in Newcastle picking up our new car and wasn't home until 9:30pm. So instead I did Thursdays workout Friday arvo, and held Friday's over for Sunday. 
                                    Monday - workout and fitness test                                Tuesday - workout

 Friday - workout

This morning I got out to do my SSS a bit later than I intended but at least I did it. The workout was hard, really hard, for someone who hasn't regularly exercised in about 8 months. There were moments when I thought my muscles weren't going to continue to hold me up, but they did and at the end of the workout I'd only burned 600 calories (the aim for a Saturday session is 1000). So the newly motivated and determined me said to myself - lets keep going - so I did 4km of intervals (200m jogging, 200m walking) until I hit 1000 calories burned. 

I am really proud of myself and my efforts this week. I've got a new sticker chart up and each sticker earns me $1 and I'm copying Kate's idea to reward any 7 out of 7 weeks with an additional sticker worth $2 - all proceeds to go to clothes! On day 6 I'm in line for 6 stickers for calories, exercise (Thursday going down as a scheduled rest day which also earns a sticker) and water consumption with only 2 for sleep (minimum 7 hours) due to my many late nights over the assignment. 
As I mentioned earlier I weighed for my start weight on Sunday at 128.0kgs, then for the Wednesday weigh in (Wake,Wee,Weigh) I came in at 127.1kgs - a 0.9kg loss in two days which I'm very happy with. It's a great start!

Very happy with my loss!

Exhausted and wishing for the end......

SSS on my own summary!

So far working out on my own is really hard but I'm leaning on my online support groups and believing in myself that I can do it. Bring on Week 2. 

Kate - I hope you enjoyed this post. Now that one from 8 months won't pop up in Blogger every time you sign in!


  1. Oh hon! I genuinely smiled, wiped away a couple of tears and smiled even more while reading your post. I'm so proud of you! For blogging itself (lol) - thank you for changing my Blogger screen. :) But even moreso because you know that I understand how difficult it is to get out of that chasm. I think it's more hard than the first time we try. Because we berate ourselves even more for falling. But you're right, it doesn't matter how you fell or how long you've been down there, the important part is you've gotten yourself out and you're back on your way. I'm right beside you in this, I know you can do this. Well done on an awesome Week 1 xxxooo

    1. Thank you so much Kate, your support means the world to me xxx

  2. Well done Em. You are a winner and an inspiration. Keep going. I'll be cheering you on. <3 Deb