Starting again...again..Part 2

Blogging is amazing really. It's what I always thought writing a journal would be like but with the added bonus that when people read it you don't have to watch their faces...not that I ever let anyone read my journals. I dread to think what I filled the pages of my teenage journal with...in any case, writing is therapeutic. It is like talking an issue out in the form of a monologue, with no-one to stop you or interrupt your train of thought.

So with this in mind, I am tackling the issue of having to start again...again with some concrete plans (again). We all stumble and fall at times, it is persistence that will get me there in the end. Stubbornness and determination that will finally see me reaching my goal - probably after I fall on my face again a few times...but I plan not to fall.

I'm following Kate Beck's 5 steps to help you lose weight 

I realised when I re-read this post that I've hitting some and missing others in this list, which is perhaps the reason I have been going round in circles like a duck paddling with only one leg. Below the surface I'm paddling as fast as I possibly can but because my other leg is 'tied up' I'm going round in circles. Time to free that leg. Honestly, I think there is a few things holding me back and there may not be 'easy' solutions but I figure I can 'fake it till I make it' as the saying goes. 

I'm good with steps 2, 3, 4 and usually 5 but 5 kinda hinges on 1. And 1 is where I fall short. I want it, believe me I do, but I think I've been holding back from letting myself want it fiercely and with passion, in case I mess it up, in case I fail. Why would I believe that I can truly do this when 35 years of history tells me I can't and that I'll fail? And how can I fail if I don't really believe I can do it? It makes it a self fullfilling prophesy I guess and links back to previous posts about how what we 'know to be true' about ourselves determines our actions. I knew way back when I had my light bulb moment that change would be hard and the work that would need to go into it mentally would be hard. And that before the trauma of August last year. So I need to work on Step 1 - want it more than anything else.

The bracelet Debbie gave me last weekend has lived on my wrist except for when I'm in the shower or sleeping. It's a wonderful reminder to stay on track. And I'm starting to get that trickle of self belief again - IF YOU CAN DREAM IT....you can achieve it! My new mantra. 
 
Step 1
WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE:
I'll come back to this one...

Step 2
START (again):
So I bit the bullet and started again, yesterday. I made no announcement because I half expected to not do it. I did well with food - half the battle - but didn't exercise. Today I had a huge work day and went to bed knowing I needed every second to get ready for my day and getting up at 3:50am to run really wasn't going to happen, so exercise starts again tomorrow. Kate, I'll put a photo on instagram to prove I did!! Help keep me accountable.

Step 3
GET ORGANISED:
I spent a lot of time getting organised over the weekend. I made a big batch of Penang Chicken, a batch of Beef Strogenoff and froze them for meals when I'm home late or lunches. I'm planning another cook up this weekend too - now that I have a big freezer it's time to fill it!

Step 4
BE PREPARED:
This step is about preparing to fail - so that when you do you can get right back up again. I think that my resilience has been so seriously tested over the last couple of weeks that when I get a roll on again I'll bounce back quicker next time - I hope.. but my fail safes are blogging, the fb forums, Kate and Debbie. I'm also going to plan to go back and revisit my letter to myself whenever I'm feeling some doubt. I can do it. I just have to keep telling myself till I believe it. 

Step 5
WORK.HARD:
 It's time. It's really time. Noone else can put in the hard yards for me. Kate has set me a challenge. On the 30th of August we have a family reunion in Brisbane for my Dad's family. Kate wants me to drive with her to the Sunny Coast for the Marathon on the Sunday. She is convinced I could do a half (21odd kms) I think she's insane. I'm terrified of the thought, and maybe that's the key. Maybe I need to set some insanely crazy goal and just go for it. I'm not really sure. I do know that right now I take 45mins to run 5kms so there is n way in hell I could do 21kms in 3 hours (the time limit). I wouldn't care about coming in last, I think just finishing in the 3 hours would be an insane achievement for me but I don't think it's possible right now. I'm going to figure out a training schedule I can stick to and work it out closer to the time and after speaking with Marko about which one to sign up for. At the very least I will probably sign up for the 5km and 10km runs if they aren't on at the same time.

That just leaves....

Step 1
WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE:
If I could set any goal and achieve it no questions asked I would have two - get to goal weight and have a baby. Goal number two is going to need specialist assistance and would be greatly helped by goal number one. Deep down I do want it more than anything but wanting it so bad scares the hell out of me. As previously stated I have never set dates and kg targets for those dates. The only time I've done that was this round and I haven't done it. Perhaps it was a deliberate self sabotage, I haven't figured that one out yet, but our family reunion on the 30th of August gives me 23 weeks of hard work. Ideally I'd love to aim for a 1kg average loss per week but that might be expecting too much of myself. I can't seem to hold it together for 12 weeks how on earth could I sustain it for 23?? The alternative is to aim for a weight range. If I lose between 500g and 1kg on average this will put me between 80.9kgs and 92.5kgs.... When I wrote that number down my throat almost closed up with fear. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but that 80 seems so unachievable. Where is my self belief? I don't know....
 
I really think part of the problem is that I don't have a goal weight. Well I do, but I don't know whether it is realistic (the fourth part of a S.M.A.R.T. goal). Years ago on another program I was told for my height I should be 65-79kgs...I think 65 is RIDICULOUS but I've had 79 in my brain ever since. And that 79 was SO far off and SO unachievable I NEVER believed I could do it. I've 'known that to be true' for years. And so I recreate the cycle. I really need to either stop that merry-go-round or jump off, but in order to do that I need a goal weight. I've decided to get a DEXA scan done with my friend Debbie. I have emailed MeasureUp - Sydney based company - about getting the van up to Newcastle. I'm thinking for the Saturday before the colour run. I'm sure there are heaps of Newcastle 12wbters who'd love a scan done....hopefully.

Part of making myself really believe this is possible I will think up another catch phrase I can say. At the moment I'm repeating the bracelet phrase which worked today, but I need a few back up plans I think. I also think I need to get an outfit to aim for to wear to the Family Reunion - OMG that scares me. I don't know what size I'll even be. 

Breathe and Believe.....

I'll work on that....Might have to call in reinforcements for that one. I'm putting money in my goals jar again and this is the money I'll buy the outfit with I'm going to extend my chart to cover the next 23 weeks not in rounds but to get my head in the frame of mind that I'm focusing on 23 not 12 weeks this time. 

So, THE GOAL:

Is to lose between 11.5 and 23kgs in 23 weeks. Anything in that range will be considered success! This will put me at least in the low 90s for the family reunion, if not lower. 

I WILL ACHIEVE THIS BY:

1. Doing everything I can to put stickers on my chart - by focusing on meeting my targets each day for calories, water, exercise, max 1 coffee, max 1 pepsi, weekly mind set videos and bed before 10pm....Each sticker is worth $1. 7 stickers per day over 7 days over 23 weeks would put $1127 in my jar, IF I get all 7 every day. If I only manage 5 on average (totally NOT what I'm aiming for) I should still get $800. That will get me one kick ass outfit...well hopefully more than that. 

2. Thinking of a kick ass code name for my goal....nothing popping for me yet but I'll get to it...

3. Putting reminders of my goal on my pinboard at work and in my wallet where I look regularly, on my screen saver - might have to be in code though. I'll also wear the bangle every day. 

4. WORK. HARD. (thanks Kate)

5. BELIEVE IN MYSELF - faking it till I make it!!