Starting again...again..Part 2

Blogging is amazing really. It's what I always thought writing a journal would be like but with the added bonus that when people read it you don't have to watch their faces...not that I ever let anyone read my journals. I dread to think what I filled the pages of my teenage journal with...in any case, writing is therapeutic. It is like talking an issue out in the form of a monologue, with no-one to stop you or interrupt your train of thought.

So with this in mind, I am tackling the issue of having to start again...again with some concrete plans (again). We all stumble and fall at times, it is persistence that will get me there in the end. Stubbornness and determination that will finally see me reaching my goal - probably after I fall on my face again a few times...but I plan not to fall.

I'm following Kate Beck's 5 steps to help you lose weight 

I realised when I re-read this post that I've hitting some and missing others in this list, which is perhaps the reason I have been going round in circles like a duck paddling with only one leg. Below the surface I'm paddling as fast as I possibly can but because my other leg is 'tied up' I'm going round in circles. Time to free that leg. Honestly, I think there is a few things holding me back and there may not be 'easy' solutions but I figure I can 'fake it till I make it' as the saying goes. 

I'm good with steps 2, 3, 4 and usually 5 but 5 kinda hinges on 1. And 1 is where I fall short. I want it, believe me I do, but I think I've been holding back from letting myself want it fiercely and with passion, in case I mess it up, in case I fail. Why would I believe that I can truly do this when 35 years of history tells me I can't and that I'll fail? And how can I fail if I don't really believe I can do it? It makes it a self fullfilling prophesy I guess and links back to previous posts about how what we 'know to be true' about ourselves determines our actions. I knew way back when I had my light bulb moment that change would be hard and the work that would need to go into it mentally would be hard. And that before the trauma of August last year. So I need to work on Step 1 - want it more than anything else.

The bracelet Debbie gave me last weekend has lived on my wrist except for when I'm in the shower or sleeping. It's a wonderful reminder to stay on track. And I'm starting to get that trickle of self belief again - IF YOU CAN DREAM IT....you can achieve it! My new mantra. 
 
Step 1
WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE:
I'll come back to this one...

Step 2
START (again):
So I bit the bullet and started again, yesterday. I made no announcement because I half expected to not do it. I did well with food - half the battle - but didn't exercise. Today I had a huge work day and went to bed knowing I needed every second to get ready for my day and getting up at 3:50am to run really wasn't going to happen, so exercise starts again tomorrow. Kate, I'll put a photo on instagram to prove I did!! Help keep me accountable.

Step 3
GET ORGANISED:
I spent a lot of time getting organised over the weekend. I made a big batch of Penang Chicken, a batch of Beef Strogenoff and froze them for meals when I'm home late or lunches. I'm planning another cook up this weekend too - now that I have a big freezer it's time to fill it!

Step 4
BE PREPARED:
This step is about preparing to fail - so that when you do you can get right back up again. I think that my resilience has been so seriously tested over the last couple of weeks that when I get a roll on again I'll bounce back quicker next time - I hope.. but my fail safes are blogging, the fb forums, Kate and Debbie. I'm also going to plan to go back and revisit my letter to myself whenever I'm feeling some doubt. I can do it. I just have to keep telling myself till I believe it. 

Step 5
WORK.HARD:
 It's time. It's really time. Noone else can put in the hard yards for me. Kate has set me a challenge. On the 30th of August we have a family reunion in Brisbane for my Dad's family. Kate wants me to drive with her to the Sunny Coast for the Marathon on the Sunday. She is convinced I could do a half (21odd kms) I think she's insane. I'm terrified of the thought, and maybe that's the key. Maybe I need to set some insanely crazy goal and just go for it. I'm not really sure. I do know that right now I take 45mins to run 5kms so there is n way in hell I could do 21kms in 3 hours (the time limit). I wouldn't care about coming in last, I think just finishing in the 3 hours would be an insane achievement for me but I don't think it's possible right now. I'm going to figure out a training schedule I can stick to and work it out closer to the time and after speaking with Marko about which one to sign up for. At the very least I will probably sign up for the 5km and 10km runs if they aren't on at the same time.

That just leaves....

Step 1
WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE:
If I could set any goal and achieve it no questions asked I would have two - get to goal weight and have a baby. Goal number two is going to need specialist assistance and would be greatly helped by goal number one. Deep down I do want it more than anything but wanting it so bad scares the hell out of me. As previously stated I have never set dates and kg targets for those dates. The only time I've done that was this round and I haven't done it. Perhaps it was a deliberate self sabotage, I haven't figured that one out yet, but our family reunion on the 30th of August gives me 23 weeks of hard work. Ideally I'd love to aim for a 1kg average loss per week but that might be expecting too much of myself. I can't seem to hold it together for 12 weeks how on earth could I sustain it for 23?? The alternative is to aim for a weight range. If I lose between 500g and 1kg on average this will put me between 80.9kgs and 92.5kgs.... When I wrote that number down my throat almost closed up with fear. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but that 80 seems so unachievable. Where is my self belief? I don't know....
 
I really think part of the problem is that I don't have a goal weight. Well I do, but I don't know whether it is realistic (the fourth part of a S.M.A.R.T. goal). Years ago on another program I was told for my height I should be 65-79kgs...I think 65 is RIDICULOUS but I've had 79 in my brain ever since. And that 79 was SO far off and SO unachievable I NEVER believed I could do it. I've 'known that to be true' for years. And so I recreate the cycle. I really need to either stop that merry-go-round or jump off, but in order to do that I need a goal weight. I've decided to get a DEXA scan done with my friend Debbie. I have emailed MeasureUp - Sydney based company - about getting the van up to Newcastle. I'm thinking for the Saturday before the colour run. I'm sure there are heaps of Newcastle 12wbters who'd love a scan done....hopefully.

Part of making myself really believe this is possible I will think up another catch phrase I can say. At the moment I'm repeating the bracelet phrase which worked today, but I need a few back up plans I think. I also think I need to get an outfit to aim for to wear to the Family Reunion - OMG that scares me. I don't know what size I'll even be. 

Breathe and Believe.....

I'll work on that....Might have to call in reinforcements for that one. I'm putting money in my goals jar again and this is the money I'll buy the outfit with I'm going to extend my chart to cover the next 23 weeks not in rounds but to get my head in the frame of mind that I'm focusing on 23 not 12 weeks this time. 

So, THE GOAL:

Is to lose between 11.5 and 23kgs in 23 weeks. Anything in that range will be considered success! This will put me at least in the low 90s for the family reunion, if not lower. 

I WILL ACHIEVE THIS BY:

1. Doing everything I can to put stickers on my chart - by focusing on meeting my targets each day for calories, water, exercise, max 1 coffee, max 1 pepsi, weekly mind set videos and bed before 10pm....Each sticker is worth $1. 7 stickers per day over 7 days over 23 weeks would put $1127 in my jar, IF I get all 7 every day. If I only manage 5 on average (totally NOT what I'm aiming for) I should still get $800. That will get me one kick ass outfit...well hopefully more than that. 

2. Thinking of a kick ass code name for my goal....nothing popping for me yet but I'll get to it...

3. Putting reminders of my goal on my pinboard at work and in my wallet where I look regularly, on my screen saver - might have to be in code though. I'll also wear the bangle every day. 

4. WORK. HARD. (thanks Kate)

5. BELIEVE IN MYSELF - faking it till I make it!!

Week 4...well really week 5 update...

The delay in updating is solely due to my own slackness...I originally did my 'start' fitness test at the end of week 1, so it's only fitting that my week 4 fitness test was actually done in week 5...luckily the 12WBT site didn't scream and spit at me as I logged my details a week late....haha oh well.

 

So far this round I'm pretty happy with my progress. After my world fell apart in August I did put on weight and started this round at 108kgs. Not happy about that at all but I set the goal to do this round like it was my first. So, not too much looking back and being annoyed and definitely no beating myself up. I watched the live feed from Mish afterwards and she addressed this - she wanted to know if the lady who wrote in was enjoying beating herself up...and to get on with it and move on. Which is what my goal was this round anyway.

 

Week 1, 2, 3 and 4 I did well with my sticker chart...sticking to calories most days and when I didn't get a sticker I'd usually only gone over by a little. Doing awesomely with the water, not so great with sticking to one coffee, or the softdrink, mindset video, or getting to bed early. I've also been inconsistent with exercise.

 

But!

 

I have lost weight. Focussing so much on my food and just exercising when I can has worked ok.  And as of week 4 I'd lost 3.8kgs.

 

Here's the sticker chart...I get $1 for every sticker...looking forward to some new clothes!

 

 

Another goal this round was to start the running program. I've already posted with great excitement about running 2.8kms on Tuesday in 28mins, well I followed it up with 3kms on Wednesday!

 

 

before the run - ready to go

it's impossible to take a clear photo and jog!!

Fitness test and measurement results:

 

 

 

 So I increased my pushups by 5, was able to reach 3cms further, did the 1km trial 28seconds faster, did the wall sit for an extra 17seconds and planked for 9seconds longer. Small gains but huge in my mind!

 

Measurements wise I have lost 1cm from my chest, 1cm from my waist, 3cm from my hips while my thigh and arm have remained the same. Not too bad its a 5cm loss over all. For week 8 measurements the goal is to beat that!!

Goals and rewards - week 1

It's well past time I set my goals for this round. I very cheekily skipped that preseason task because I wasn't ready to commit and knew anything I put in there I wouldn't be serious about. And I need to be serious about these goals...or I won't work for them. 

 

I've decided to have two sets of goals. Firstly will be the HABIT goals on my new chart (which I've started putting stickers on) and more specific ACHIEVEMENT goals. Make sense? Clear as mud? Below is my list of Habit Goals which appear on my reward chart.  

 

Habit Goals:

 

1.1200cals per day!

2. 2L water per day MINIMUM.

3. 1 coffee or less per day.

4. Exercise/train

5. NO SOFTDRINK AT ALL.

6. Watch the mindset videos!

7. Go to bed before 10 - I was going to make it 9:30 but it's hard with daylight savings and my qlder friends.

 

With the exception of the mindset video - each goal can earn me up to 7 stickers per week - one for each day I meet that goal.

 

 

I have created a reward jar. For every sticker I'm going to put $1 in the jar. I can earn up to $43 per week which is up to $516 for the round - to spend on clothes. I'm not sure if this hold that much dosh...I'm not sure if I'll actually put the money in there or just tokens to represent the money. Will think more on it!!! Sunday is the night all the money/tokens go in!

 

 

cute huh!! I love it!

 

 

So down to the nitty gritty of this round.

 

My Round 4 - 2013 ACHIEVEMENT Goals are:

1. My weight loss goal is to lose 10kgs and crack into the 90's.
I want to be under 100kgs by Christmas and my 35th birthday. I know this is achievable but I think I'm scared of trying hard and not getting there - of failing. The other day this came up in my feed on facebook from Michelle Bridges 12 WBT:

"Guys, I want you to remember: don't compare your journey to someone else's. It's yours alone - so OWN IT! Xx"

I promptly shared it with the 30+ crew and my girls on our Wonder Women page. I really REALLY struggle with this and it drives me NUTS. I look at some of the amazing women I know of and stalk follow on facebook and wonder why I couldn't be as hardcore as them and be at my goal weight now. How could I let the emotions of the past few months cause me to gain during a round of this amazing program and really waste my money. The truth of the matter is I am me. I have serious food problems and what I know to be true about myself has always been "I'm the fat/big girl of the group" - that's always been my role. I recently re-read my Lightbulb Moment post and I know this is something I need to work on daily - hence the mindset video goal in the habits goals. I know food is my go-to crutch. So I need to put some plans in place to help deal with those crappy days when they happen - my bright pink sticker chart is a start - it makes me smile!!! Which leads me to goal number 2:

2. Do it like it's my first!
This round I'm aiming to compare as little as possible - technically this isn't an achievement but it will be for me. I've compared myself to others all my life. I'm trying to see everything as if its week 1 of my first round - so finally doing my fitness test, I didn't groan and cry over the fact that 6 months ago I could cream my current 1km trial time...it doesn't matter I'm here now and I'm Doing it like it's my first!

3. Beat my personal bests!
This goal is SIMPLE! I want to beat my starting fitness test in week 4, then beat week 4 stats in week 8 and so on. There will be an associated chart and reward - undecided on the reward.

4. Hit the Fit Pit!
Jo in Denman runs a bootcamp 2 afternoons per week - Jo's Fit Pit. Monday arvo at 5pm and Thursday arvo at 5:30. I will attend as many as possible this round - 1 sticker per attendance = more money in my jar ;)

5. Run!
This is one of my very favourite P!NK songs right now. And yes it is now a goal. I am going to attempt do the Michelle Bridges Learn to Run program. I've officially changed over to that program and it's a little scary. To start with the aim is just to follow her program. The very amazing Kate found (here) said in her running interview (here) to be successful at exercise you have to do something that 'Takes your breath away". Well of all the moments in the gym that took my breath away it was when I cracked 5, 10,15, 20 and 25 mins of being able to run on the treadmill but I'm going to start again outside.

6. Operation Bridesmaid!
I'm going to be a bridesmaid for my dear friend Meagan on the 4th of January. When I tried on and ordered my dress I was at my lowest - when I first cracked into the 90s at 98.9kgs. I need to get back that low at least for the wedding! Totally doable!!!

7. Choose your own adventure - fun run!
At some point during my 3 weeks at Stanthorpe (mum and dad's farm) I will run from the house to the big dam up the back. NO idea how far that is...but my goal is to do it!

8. Operation Little White Dress!
Wear my white dress with the black embroidered flowers out for our Wedding Anniversary Dinner in Stanthorpe 30-12-13.

9.Run 5kms by 1st of February 2014!
So I want to be able to run 5kms without stopping. Goal 4 will hopefully lead to goal 5 if I'm committed and consistent!

10. Register for a fun run.
I want to do the Colour Run in Newcastle in 2014 and the Neon Run in Sydney in 2014 but the dates haven't been released yet. So I'll settle for registering for the events.

11. The Amazing Race - 12WBT style!
My friends in Hervey Bay did this earlier in the year and I'm going to set up my course and one for the Brissie mates who did the Biggest Loser style weighted-backpack-carry-up-a-mountain-challenge with me last round. Not sure how it will look or what the challenges will be or when we'll do it...but it's ON!!!

12. Operation Blue dress!
Debbie wore my GORGEOUS blue dress to finale and having seen it on her - my major goal is to get into it myself! This round or the next but it a BIG goal!!!


So, there you have it! 12 goals for 12 weeks.  Round 4 2013 Achievement and Habit goals...I see another reward chart in my future!!

A special gift!

This is for the lovely Myriddian Shrinks! Email me your address at emily_turkalj@hotmail.com because this  ready for you!

xx

Habits....

Habits are funny things. We don't even really notice doing them, I guess that's how we know it is a habit. Like throwing the chocolate bar onto the cash register at Woolies. I do it, then consciously ask myself 'Do I really want that? Or do I want to achieve my goals more?' then I put it back. Some habits are easier to break than others. Obviously, food habits are the bane of my existence and the ones I really struggle to change. Funny that...I've been doing it one way for 31 years and 3 years on I expect to have made lasting changes - HA!!! That's why this is a LIFETIME change for me...and I may have to consciously focus on it every day for the rest of my life, but you know what...it's totally worth it.

On the topic of habits and them having crept back in while going through my recent turmoil (see previous posts) yesterday while checking facebook I saw the following status update on the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation page:

'If I came and lived with you for a week, what would be different about your habits? NOW GO MAKE THAT CHANGE!!! Xx'

Well, talk about a turning point. I stopped me in my tracks...well I was sitting at the time...but it metaphorically stopped me in my tracks.

I sat there in the work car (as you do) and thought to myself 'If Mish was really in my house she would kick my butt'. You know that look she gets on her face on 'The Biggest Loser' when someone is kidding themselves and she is disappointed or wants more out of them...that's the face I can see in my mind! The more  I thought about it the more I realised I've been fooling myself. It's the little things. Telling myself 'its ok, I'll walk this afternoon so I can sleep for another hour' but then I don't walk. Well it is time to stop and make the changes.

Here's the list!! These are the changes I'm making from right now!!

1. No more diet softdrink (I'm saying goodbye to my last one as I type).
2. Reduce coffee consumption to 1 and only 1 per day!
3. Stick to the 1200 calories - if not the food plan...adapt where necessary but stick to the 1200!
4. Blog my thoughts and feelings instead of eating them. Even if I've covered it before!
5. Exercise - simple! Go to Jo's Fit Pit with Debbie on Mondays and Thursdays plus other workouts.
6. Plan ahead and do some cookups (did my first one this arvo...broccoli soup in the freezer and four serves of the eggplant cous cous salad I love in the fridge).
7. Increase water consumption.
8. Watch the mindset videos!!
9. Put the non 12WBT foods into containers so Marko can still eat them but I can't see and want them.
10. Get a visual chart up showing my goals.

I'm sure I'll think of more but this is a damn good start. Now I just have to stick to it and that cranky face of Mish's that I'm seeing in my head will turn into a proud happy smile!! So now I'm off to make my reward chart!! I'm envisioning another list of rewards to help get me through!!

So, an hour or so later, here's my reward chart.

It will go like this, every day I meet that goal I get a sticker (if I can find small ones) or a tick. At the end of the week I'll put $1 for every sticker or tick into my clothes fund jar. At the end of the round I'll go spend it!!! Making up a cool jar is tomorrow nights job!

NOT an epic fail....

I have been avoiding my blog like I was going to catch the plague by logging in....why? Accountability.


I've been feeling like a failure and felt I had nothing worth sharing. The thing is that I've been beating myself up over not having coped well after my miscarraige, but being hard on myself has only made matters worse. I've turned to food, not as much as I could have, and yes I've put a little bit of weight back on....seriously upsetting.

But the time has come to own it - and start fresh.

Again.

So, new goals, a sticker chart to come and a shared challenge with Kate Beck all to come in the next few days.

I'm stilling having crappy days and I think I will for a while. That's grief for you. But I'm ready to step up and take some control back of the things I can control. My exercise and my nutrition. The rest will come in time.